Curses

I did a bit of research into how/if I should try to curse my horrid neighbours. What my research yielded, I don't know if you were aware, is that the internet is full of howling nutbags.

I found a really helpful how-to published by a "famed sorcerer" named Damien Mulkrin in The Weekly World News Online (do people that read the WWN know how to work the internet? I am confused about so many things.) As far as I can tell it is a streamlined system (no more tedious all night curse ceremonies, thank GOD, because who has time??) wherein one must sit on the floor at midnight and say evil live, live evil for a few minutes and then think bad thoughts about someone and then go back to bed satisfied that they'll get theirs.

Here's what Mulkrin has to say about it: “Sorcerers, witches and warlocks aren’t the only people who can cast spells and put curses on people. With a little training, anyone can do it – even you,” said Mulkrin, whose frightening new book, When Bad Things Happen to Bad People, is slated for a winter release. “In fact, my 4-point plan is simple enough for a child to follow." (I have no doubt, Mr. Mulkrin). I have decided not to post the 4-point plan to unleash the powers of evil, as I would hate to be partially responsible for the results, and also I don't want to plagiarize from someone whose business is demonic vengeance, just in case. )
Here's more from Mulkrin on how quick and easy his system is. If you are convinced, maybe you should pick up his book.
“In ancient times sorcerers relied on elaborate rituals to punish their enemies, but in this day and age, with people having so many demands on their time, these rituals are obsolete. By distilling the process, I have sped things up. If you are of average intelligence, and put your mind to it, there is no reason you can’t put a curse on someone in five minutes or less.”

While I was on the WWN site I found this amazing article about how Justin Bieber is a cross dresser. Dig the tech savvy going on in the WWN photo department. Outstanding.

For the sake of smart shopping, I checked out a couple of other DARK ARTS PRACTITIONER FOR HIRE sites (hee hee)...
Joshua
Spells and magic and spelling atrocities!

Ok fine, so obviously cursing is for crazy people.

Speaking of crazy people, I have been sort of living in dread of when this song comes up on my iPod on shuffle. All kinds of weird highschool Mazzy Star feelings, which are frightening when they happen to a lady of my age:

God. Why is all the music coming out this summer/fall so fucking smashy on the heart? It's not like we need any help feeling mopey, given that it is colder and darker every day and we are fucking IN FOR IT this winter, I have a feeling.

Give me all of these garments: http://vintagetextile.com/edwardian.htm I have decided to spend the winter dressed like this, floating around my house like a ghost, singing tunelessly.

Speaking of ghosts, the Vue Magazine Blue Revue dirty movie festival last night was pretty hilarious. PBGJ?? Are you kidding me? I don't know that I am ever going to be able to eat peanut butter again. Jon Mick is a funny funny man. I am bummed that I didn't see more of the films (and, I don't want to be a dick or anything but I am equally bummed that I DID see one in particular... yikes, don't take the assignment so literally, hippies. Gross). The burlesque part of it was really fun. Those kind of laid back, low-stress shows are the best. All the fun with none of the pants-shitting.

Look how stupid and funny these are: (Can you believe the Miss Canada outfit? Can people DO THAT in 2011??)
http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/09/miss-universe-2011-national-costumes.html
http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/09/miss-universe-2011-national-costumes-part-two.html

In keeping with our hocusy pocusy theme, I'll finish off with a recipe for LOVE POTION. OoooOOOOooooo...

(This came from a site that used almost exclusively Comic Sans, so I wouldn't get high hopes about this working. Comic Sans is the least magical of all the fonts, in my opinion).

LOVE POTION TEA

1 pinch of rosemary
2 teaspoons of black tea
3 pinches thyme
3 pinches nutmeg
3 fresh mint leaves
6 fresh rose petals
6 lemon leaves
3 cups pure spring water
Sugar
Honey
To make another person fall in love with you, brew this tea on a Friday during a waxing moon (moving from empty to full).
Place all ingredients in an earthenware or copper tea kettle. Boil three cups of pure spring water and add to the kettle. Sweeten with sugar and honey, if desired.

Before drinking, recite this rhyme:

BY LIGHT OF MOON WAXING
I BREW THIS TEA
TO MAKE [lover's name] DESIRE ME.


Drink some of the tea and say:
GODDESS OF LOVE
HEAR NOW MY PLEA
LET [lover's name] DESIRE ME!
SO MOTE IT BE
SO MOTE IT BE
On the following Friday, brew another pot of the love potion tea and give some to the person you want to love you. He or she will soon begin to fall in love with you.

The internet scares the shit out of me sometimes.