Your sky is full of castles. My sky is full of shitting birds.

I want to slow down time. Like, not do fistfulls of ketamine and live in slow motion, but I mean actually just have every day be two days long, just til the end of summer.

Things were going pretty well. I got pretty seriously fryingpanned in the face last weekend by a few things and I still can't get my head on straight about it. Come on, lady. No time to mope. There are commitments and obligations and the ever-onward march toward forever after to contend with and each day refuses to contain more than 24 hours as much as I shake my fists and demand it. There's no time to lay on the floor listening to the Smiths and sighing. But I want to.

(That's just a metaphor, guys. I don't listen to the Smiths when I am sad. Or sit in the bathtub for days at a time. Those are other people's techniques. I stare into the middle distance, whine on the internet, drink like an asshole, get FURIOUS that I am so stupid and throw several mental tantrums about it and don't get my work done. Dummy.)


Instead let's listen to Cosmonauts and tear off giant chunks of our to-do lists with our teeth:

(From the "If You Wanna Die, Then I Wanna Die" LP on Burger Records. Good stuff. Whole thing's streaming here: http://cosmonautstheband.bandcamp.com/album/if-you-wanna-die-then-i-wanna-die. Thanks Joe.)

Speaking of cosmonauts, this fucking old nugget wormholed into my brain for no reason a few days ago and made a home. No sign of leaving. Hmph. Weird, considering I don't think I have heard it since I was in like the 8th grade or something:

Embarrassing. I think it's a very bad sign when you start getting hung up on songs from your youth. Definitely means you're 1) old and 2) bored (/boring?). Ugh. Reason number 9 zillion to buck up, get some shit done, get this party planned so there is time to get awesome and start some new projects before we dive back under another dirty Edmonton winter. So we don't have to listen to the sad hits of our childhood anymore. Well, just a couple more times, maybe.

Hey! I am having like a total pioneer woman week. Tonight some babes are getting together on the rooftop balcony of my hot photographer friend and she is teaching us how to hook rugs. Seriously. That is a thing I will know how to do after today. Take THAT winter. If that doesn't get me on a good team post zombie-apocalypse then I just don't know what. I plan to do hooked rug portraits. Huge ones. I think a living room sized Nobunny rug portrait would be a great place to start. Then maybe my dog.

Nobunny:

Actually, let's be fair:

My dog:

The other thing is that in preparation for my upcoming cabin wedding, I am forcing a bunch of my cute nice friends to come over and help me pickle various things in cute jars as guest favours. What no one knows is that I have never pickled anything in my life, with the exception of my liver. It could be a total disaster, OR it could be another pioneer lady skill that will come in handy when I have decided to give up on humans and go to live in the forest alone. I have recipes. They had to work for someone, right? What could go wrong?

Speaking of alone (and I am not going to dwell on this, don't worry) SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK, CAN WEDDING PLANNING EVER SUCK IT!!! Man, this is brutal. I want to make a list of all the people whose weddings I attended and give them several extra presents. How do people do this? Anyone want to take over? I'd be happy to skip town and go eat pickles and hook rugs in the forest. All the face-fryingpanning is not helping that scenario either. So dumb. I can't wait until it is the day and there is nothing else I can crap my pants about so I can just have awesome friend times and romance times and it will all be... settled.

Anyway. Whine whine. Sorry.

Oh, this is really awesome! Dara Humniski is selling some art! I know I talk about her non stop on this blog, but she's totally amazing.

(Lino-cut & ink, framed - $150)

(Lino-cut & ink, uframed - $125)

(Scratch card & ink, unframed - $200)

So good. Sigh.

I would just like to say that if I hear another sweaty word from ANYONE about Fifty Shades of Grey I am going to start punching in teeth. Gross.

That being said, I am out of books that I want to read. Does anyone have a list they can share with me? It's summer so, you know, keep it interesting. Not sweaty nerd masturbation interesting, as mentioned above. Thx.

Fish just recommended "Empire of the Summer Moon" by S.C. Gwynne.

Review is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/11/books/review/excerpt-empire-of-the-summer-moon.html?pagewanted=all

He said it kind of reads a bit like Blood Meridian, which of course blew my fucking hair back because Cormac McCarthy is a genius and a dark motherfucker. He actually said it was like Blood Meridian except that the story is all true. So... you know, I am debating whether or not I can actually handle that. I think it may put my melodrama into perspective so maybe I can get over myself and get some shit done. Seems a good reason.

Anyway, sorry for the lame post. I'm too busy.

Get Wild!

Woah. That was an accidental super-hiatus. What a total life explosion.

Dirt City Dream Captain update: in case I haven't squealed about it to every single human in the universe already: Me and Mr. Dream Captain are making it official this September! So, if anyone cares, sorry I didn't post for so long. Planning a wedding in 4 months is hilariously stressful. It went from a small and simple event to a big event with loads of details to be considered so fast that I didn't even see it happening. Also, in addition to my own crazy feelings and sleeplessness and eatlessness, HOLY SHIT, OTHER PEOPLE TURN INTO MARTIANS WHEN YOU ARE MAKING A WEDDING. Seriously. Previously sweet and lovely people have turned into wicked manipulative monsters. I hear that this is a normal thing that happens and that it will go back to normal after the thing is done, but jesus.... I am starting to fantasize about telling everyone to just get off my dick and eloping to a quiet beach.

ANNNNNNNYWAY. Sorry to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I know no one wants to hear anyone talk about their wedding planning. It is hard to have something occupy ALL your time and ALL your energy and ALL your life and to have to bite your tongue

Here are some things that are nice for your eyes and life:

1. These lamps! Holy crap! I want to tear up my home and remake it around these lamps! They are dreamy!

2. These vintage photos of dancers with rainbow laser embroidery! (Thanks Dara for bringing these to my attention) Totally perfect.

3. Speaking of Dara, brilliant Dara Humniski is cooking up some new treasures for her jewelry line, Here With Me. I am drooling already. This is my favorite line of accessories ever. This lady's talent is pretty breathtaking.

I highly suggest everyone get her stuff now because she is going to be the most famous person we know and she will not undercharge for her beautiful things forever.

I have the long version of this necklace and so far I haven't found a single outfit that it doesn't drastically improve. :

Allllso, I am thinking about renaming this blog. I have to. Dirt City was a cute term when it was a thing that 6 people said to each other with a wink, but it is now a different thing and is used liberally all over (sometimes in ways that make me grit my teeth a bit) and it really doesn't mean the same thing anymore. Not to sound like I have any ownership over it or whatever, I really truly don't, it just doesn't seem appropriate anymore. It has been kind of wrecked for me. I don't know what the new name will be yet. I am open to suggestions.

Listen to this: Night Beats did a limited split 7 " with TRMRS.  Hear it here: Night Beats - Messiah

These guys are so good that it makes me feel weird. 

And I think that's it for now? That's all I have time for now. I resolve to be less ignore-y with this blog. Writing, even silly yelling into the void about my own dumb whatever, is my favorite thing.

Here is a summer recipe, as it is now summer. Thank god. It seemed like this winter was going to go without a hitch, and then suddenly a whole bunch of people that I love just totally fucking unraveled and there was just the smell of smashed heart bits on everything and just a feeling like a stomach full of rocks because I wanted to help and totally couldn't and it's not really my business anyway but that doesn't mean I won't lose sleep over it for weeks at a time. Anyway, it seems like the smashed things are being rebuilt and everyone is working hard and the best thing is that everyone just made themselves no-time-to-think busy with making totally great art and music and projects of all kinds, so at least out of the shit storm will come a whole bunch of really great stuff.  Oops, right. Recipe.

Ok, this is sort of made up so please forgive the inelegant language, but I swear it is super delicious.

Fruit Salsa and Cinnamon Chips OR how to be the most popular person at a brunch potluck:

Cut the following into small salsa-appropriate chunks:
(these are suggestions, feel free to GET WILD)
-mango
-strawberries
-green grapes
-bananas (don't cut these too small, they get mooshy and give your salsa a really gross snotty texture)
-grapefruit
-kiwi
-pomegranate seeds
-gala or pink lady or golden delicious or some other really sweet kind of apple

In a separate little bowl mix together the juice of one lemon (eyeball the amount according to how much fruit you use. Use more or less according to how big the salsa batch is!)
A couple of very generous splashes of maple syrup (don't use fake stuff! It's gross!)
and here's the secret winning ingredient: A TON of grated ginger. Like seriously a ton. The more kick the better. Don't worry, the sweetness of the fruit and maple syrup will mellow it out.

Pour the mixture over the salsa and mix it together really well. This salsa is really good right away, but fucking DEADLY if it can sit and marinate for a while.

Then you need these things:
- soft flour tortillas
- a couple of tablespoons of melted butter (in a pinch regular canola oil or whatever will totally work, but will just be slightly less delicious).
- a mixture of cinnamon and white sugar.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F.

Brush one side of the tortilla with melted butter and then sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. Cut into little wedges, spread them out on a cookie sheet and bake them for about 8 or 10 minutes, until they are crispy and brown. Keep an eye on these because the time between browned and blackened is not very long. These are super delicious so make lots as you will likely "test" a few before you head out to the brunch you are about to be the queen/king of.

There you go!
xo!

Cram it!

Mister and I do this weird thing in the morning, where we both pick up our phones and before we really say good morning or acknowledge to each other that we are awake, we check Twitter, Instagram and in my case but not his, Facebook. I know that it is probably kind of gross that we do that, but it is what it is.  Anyway, I was peering at Twitter through one sleepy red eye and thought I must be dreaming;

http://pitchfork.com/news/44040-listen-torche-cover-guided-by-voices/

WHAT? IS? HAPPENING???

That is seriously harder for me to get my head around than the Lou Reed and Metallica thing was. (Probably partially because, I am sorry to say this because I know it is frowned upon, I don't really like Guided By Voices that much. Commence with the death threats, indie rock spazzers.) The thing that is the best about this super weird cover is that it is GOOD. Like SO GOOD.

Sigh. Torche is my boyfriend.

You know what is not good? The rash of really embarrassing public displays of deep douchiness by various institutions in Edmonton. I try to avoid internet fighting (my own and others'), because I get too riled and stop sleeping and start being grumpy to baristas and boyfriends, but frankly I am fucking tired of reading Jezebel articles about how shitty Edmonton is, especially when radio contests, fake tits billboards, lipstick-mouth shaped urinals and so on make it really REALLY hard to argue that this city that I love is not a backwater cesspool.

Who knows? Maybe it is. Maybe Edmonton is that shitty ex-boyfriend that you didn't realize TOTALLY sucked until a year after you left him and then you're mad that you wasted your hot years defending him to your friends.

Anyway, I signed a petition to stop The Bear's 'Win A Russian Bride' contest and received this absolutely amazing letter in response, stating that I must not understand the contest and that it had a different name now, so I shouldn't be mad:

 "From: "Vavrek, Rob" <rvavrek@astral.com>
To: Amelia Shultz-McPherson <>
Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 11:16:21 AM
Subject: RE: Close the WIN A WIFE contest and publicly acknowledge its inappropriateness

Dear Amelia, we apologize that you have taken offense with our current contest as that was certainly not our intention and no disrespect was meant through this contest. Unfortunately, there seems to have been some misunderstanding  around the actual contest and what it entails.

 

The contest is being held in association with A Volga Girl, a serious and renowned company with offices in Canada. The company provides single and consenting adults, who have been screened and selected, the opportunity to contact and meet each other in the hopes of developing a serious relationship—a concept very similar to many other such contests held on reality-TV shows over the past few years around the world (i.e. - the Bachelor/Bachelorette). Rigorous selection criteria and principles of mutual consent, respect, and freedom of choice for each participant are at the very heart of this contest and all contests run by The Bear for its listeners and web users.

I also encourage you to refer to the contest rules by clicking here.

 

Also, to avoid any further confusion or misunderstanding regarding the contest, we have changed the name to Win a Russian Romance, as romance suggests an experience in which one has a chance to meet somebody in romantic circumstances, maybe even a soul mate. The contest consists of a trip to Russia and an introduction package with fully consenting adults. Nothing more is involved unless the willing and consenting parties agree to continue on and have a relationship on their own accord, a service that many online dating services provide such as Plenty o Fish, eHarmony, and Lavalife.

 

Once again we appreciate your comments and I can assure you all feedback from our listeners/web viewers is appreciated and held in the highest respect.

 

Warm Regards, Rob"

 ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? GAAAAHHH!!!

So here is what I said to Rob. I was trying to make words through sputtering rage, so it is not as articulate as I wish it had been, but:

"Wow, thanks for the incredibly condescending form email. Believe it or not, I do, in fact, understand the aim of your radio contest and renaming it after the fact not make it any less gross. This response makes it even more so. I suspect that YOU don't understand. Edmonton is all over the international press these days because of things like this, and we are a laughing stock. I hope you are proud.

Citing shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, (which are both also classless sexist trash) doesn't do much to help your cause. I hardly think that the standards of the worst of reality television should be the standards you hold yourself to.

I am tired of trying to defend Edmonton against outside criticism when things like this undermine anything I could possibly say trying to lead people to the conclusion that Edmonton is not a backwater hillbilly outpost. Catering to the lowest common denominator hurts us all. You are so embarrassing.

Regards,

Amelia"

 Help me, Edmonton. Help me love you.

One thing that IS totally great is that Dara Humniski, talent monster, got commissioned to to an installation in the Art Gallery of Alberta. Read about it here.   Dara has been recognized internationally for her work with Loyal Loot, she makes the most Want-List worthy jewellery in the city, and it is really really awesome to see someone so gifted and hard working get such a sweet gig.

I guess all we can do is try to do as many awesome things as possible and hopefully the howling goons won't drown us out entirely or depress us out of town.

I know that this is the season that everyone freaks out and gets super active about making stuff, so it will all be okay. It just gets scary when it feels like the fuckheads are winning. 

Check out these, um, Pearl Necklaces (Sterling silver. Schlorp!!) by Leah Piepgras. While you are checking them out, please buy me one, as they are hilarious:

Also, if I don't stop being so pissed off all the time, I may have to start wearing head to toe glitter every day, just to be able to have nice feelings again. Sequin Queen! I need you!

xo!