Please live.

Oh god.

So, this blog hosting site is really good at tracking statistics for you. I can see how often people are reading my blog from Russia and Brazil (mystifyingly often, seriously.) and I can see how many people were sent here from Harriett and Aimee's blog, and I can see how many people were redirected here from a Google search.

And I can see what they were searching that sent them here.  Last night I saw this one: "I am too fat to live and I am going to kill myself and I need to know how".

Heart smashed, I spent the whole night combing through posts trying to find anything that might seem a tiny bit hopeful or empathetic or even human to a desperate person with a bottle of pills in their hand or whatever. There was nothing. My shallow and self-centered blathering, AND THE FUCKING WORDS "I AM TOO FAT TO LIVE" tossed around casually.  I'm sorry. Don't be dead.

I know EXACTLY that feeling. Internalizing all the shitty things that those shitty boys said to you when everyone was a weird sticky almost teenager and everything about your body felt wrong. I don't know how some people manage to not carry that around with the forever, but I have carried it around forever and it is so fucking heavy. Too fat, too ugly, too stupid, my interests were shitty and laughable, my ideas were shitty and laughable, my attempts at expressing anything other than apology were shitty and laughable. Kids are the fucking worst, and there is nothing that rationalizing or 33 years of compliments from nice friends will do to change what I carry with me.

But don't die. This has been floating around on facebook, Margaret Cho's fury unleashed, all the things I wish I could have said back then. Don't just sit with these feelings until they make you die. This isn't our bullshit. Yell. It helps. I don't know why it seems like we aren't allowed.  Seriously read this, it is so correct that it made my face turn red.

Also, burlesque turned out to be the only thing that helped me ACTUALLY feel awesome, that actually healed up those long ago hurts. If you don't want to try it, you should at least watch it. It changes a lady's perspective on things, like how much your big round booty is actually worth (lots), how awesome it is to hang out with ferocious sassy ladies (who are the opposite of those shitty boys and make everything about your body feel right), how fun it is to pretend to be someone else for a while, a sass monster who has no insecurities and is rather a glittering diva temptress amazon megastar. That person lives in you, even when you feel too fat to live and you want to die. Find her, she's awesome.

Also, what the fuck is too fat to live anyway? Bodies are crazy looking. Everyone's is crazy looking. And totally beautiful. Look at this:http://www.mybodygallery.com/  This is not pretend sexed up weird fake bodies, this is what we look like. Isn't it awesome? Look how happy everyone is in their weird fucked up hairless monkey bodies. I am furious on your behalf that your relationship with your body went so wrong that you need to kill it. I am furious that that is happening to you. It's is not fair and it is not right.

Please live.