Curses

I did a bit of research into how/if I should try to curse my horrid neighbours. What my research yielded, I don't know if you were aware, is that the internet is full of howling nutbags.

I found a really helpful how-to published by a "famed sorcerer" named Damien Mulkrin in The Weekly World News Online (do people that read the WWN know how to work the internet? I am confused about so many things.) As far as I can tell it is a streamlined system (no more tedious all night curse ceremonies, thank GOD, because who has time??) wherein one must sit on the floor at midnight and say evil live, live evil for a few minutes and then think bad thoughts about someone and then go back to bed satisfied that they'll get theirs.

Here's what Mulkrin has to say about it: “Sorcerers, witches and warlocks aren’t the only people who can cast spells and put curses on people. With a little training, anyone can do it – even you,” said Mulkrin, whose frightening new book, When Bad Things Happen to Bad People, is slated for a winter release. “In fact, my 4-point plan is simple enough for a child to follow." (I have no doubt, Mr. Mulkrin). I have decided not to post the 4-point plan to unleash the powers of evil, as I would hate to be partially responsible for the results, and also I don't want to plagiarize from someone whose business is demonic vengeance, just in case. )
Here's more from Mulkrin on how quick and easy his system is. If you are convinced, maybe you should pick up his book.
“In ancient times sorcerers relied on elaborate rituals to punish their enemies, but in this day and age, with people having so many demands on their time, these rituals are obsolete. By distilling the process, I have sped things up. If you are of average intelligence, and put your mind to it, there is no reason you can’t put a curse on someone in five minutes or less.”

While I was on the WWN site I found this amazing article about how Justin Bieber is a cross dresser. Dig the tech savvy going on in the WWN photo department. Outstanding.

For the sake of smart shopping, I checked out a couple of other DARK ARTS PRACTITIONER FOR HIRE sites (hee hee)...
Joshua
Spells and magic and spelling atrocities!

Ok fine, so obviously cursing is for crazy people.

Speaking of crazy people, I have been sort of living in dread of when this song comes up on my iPod on shuffle. All kinds of weird highschool Mazzy Star feelings, which are frightening when they happen to a lady of my age:

God. Why is all the music coming out this summer/fall so fucking smashy on the heart? It's not like we need any help feeling mopey, given that it is colder and darker every day and we are fucking IN FOR IT this winter, I have a feeling.

Give me all of these garments: http://vintagetextile.com/edwardian.htm I have decided to spend the winter dressed like this, floating around my house like a ghost, singing tunelessly.

Speaking of ghosts, the Vue Magazine Blue Revue dirty movie festival last night was pretty hilarious. PBGJ?? Are you kidding me? I don't know that I am ever going to be able to eat peanut butter again. Jon Mick is a funny funny man. I am bummed that I didn't see more of the films (and, I don't want to be a dick or anything but I am equally bummed that I DID see one in particular... yikes, don't take the assignment so literally, hippies. Gross). The burlesque part of it was really fun. Those kind of laid back, low-stress shows are the best. All the fun with none of the pants-shitting.

Look how stupid and funny these are: (Can you believe the Miss Canada outfit? Can people DO THAT in 2011??)
http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/09/miss-universe-2011-national-costumes.html
http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/09/miss-universe-2011-national-costumes-part-two.html

In keeping with our hocusy pocusy theme, I'll finish off with a recipe for LOVE POTION. OoooOOOOooooo...

(This came from a site that used almost exclusively Comic Sans, so I wouldn't get high hopes about this working. Comic Sans is the least magical of all the fonts, in my opinion).

LOVE POTION TEA

1 pinch of rosemary
2 teaspoons of black tea
3 pinches thyme
3 pinches nutmeg
3 fresh mint leaves
6 fresh rose petals
6 lemon leaves
3 cups pure spring water
Sugar
Honey
To make another person fall in love with you, brew this tea on a Friday during a waxing moon (moving from empty to full).
Place all ingredients in an earthenware or copper tea kettle. Boil three cups of pure spring water and add to the kettle. Sweeten with sugar and honey, if desired.

Before drinking, recite this rhyme:

BY LIGHT OF MOON WAXING
I BREW THIS TEA
TO MAKE [lover's name] DESIRE ME.


Drink some of the tea and say:
GODDESS OF LOVE
HEAR NOW MY PLEA
LET [lover's name] DESIRE ME!
SO MOTE IT BE
SO MOTE IT BE
On the following Friday, brew another pot of the love potion tea and give some to the person you want to love you. He or she will soon begin to fall in love with you.

The internet scares the shit out of me sometimes.

Storytime, not sleepytime.

Like everyone else in the western world, I had this read to me at least once a week for at least three or four years of my childhood, and it was awesome and I have loads of nostalgic fuzziness about it:

Years went by and for a variety of reasons I have turned out the way I have (dirtbag), and obviously it is no coincidence (am I blaming Goodnight Moon? Sort of?), because look at what a kindred dirtbag (with double plus genius) has made:

And because Bruce Worden and Clare Cross are not uptight weirdos about the internet and understand that sharing awesome things is smarter, they made the whole book available online, so settle in for story time, loves. (Apologies all around for the crappy formatting, but if I make the photos smaller the text is too hard to read. It just hast to be this way. Ok. Snuggle in and let's begin.)

(when you hear this sound you will know it is time to turn the page)

(This actually for real looks like the jamspace that The Skinny used to share with Whitey Houston and some other bands. Fucking putrid. I am amazed we didn't all contract cholera).

 (Don't fall asleep yet, little skid.)

Wasn't that nice?

Now dream nice dreams of delightful things like rose margaritas, curious forest friends and hot ladies in their thirties that front metal bands because that is an awesome thing to do:

 

Also please give me this:

(From http://www.morninggloryjewelry.com/necklaces-signed-c-22.html. Ignore the embarrassingly bad website, please. I want every single thing they are selling.)

In less gloriously sparkly news, my awful neighbours kept me up all night again. I am trying hard not to ACTUALLY wish they would die, because I am not certain where I stand on the dubious science of controlling events with willpower, but fuck man... I at least wish that their shouting mouths would be skin-welded shut between the hours of midnight and 6 AM and that they would learn how to work their fucking alarm clock so that it doesn't go off at 4:45 AM and continue to do so through the night. Impotent rage. Does anyone know any good curses? I will do a blog on curses soon, I think.   I try not to be a dreadful human, but it gets tough when your sleep is robbed by people who are failing at loving each other and react by staying up all night howling hate sounds at each other in what I think is Cantonese, smashing each others' belongings against the other side of our bedroom wall while The Mister and I lay victim with big eyes and feel lots of things and wish for our sleep back. 

 

Har. See what I did there?

Two of my ultra babely and talented Berlin friends have started this to show all of us the things they do that we should pay attention to because they are awesome:

http://heartandartlove.tumblr.com/

I tried really hard to find a rose margarita because it seems like rose would be tasty with tequila, but apparently it doesn't exist and the closest thing I could find was something called a Brown Eye (!!!) and it sounded disgusting so here is a super girly rose martini recipe that I found. I'm about due for a lady party at my house so maybe we can whip some of these up and sashay about.

• 1 1/2 oz. vodka
• 1 oz. white crème de cacao
• 1/4 oz. rosewater
• small pieces of Turkish delight or rose petals to garnish
• 1 drop rose food color

Bye!
xo

  

Sparkling sleep.

You know all those weird movies that came out in the early 2000s where there was a magic remote control that could pause time? (Maybe it was just one? Was Adam Sandler in it? Did I actually see it? I am unsure about all of these things.) One of those would really come in handy right about now. I would just like two free days of sleep. No rushing and 25 projects on the go, all overdue, just sleep. Maybe I could make my magic remote unpause my dog and my mister too so we could make a blanket fort in the living room and get snuggly. Just for a couple of days. Please.

Thanks to everyone who came to the CCB AC/DC burlesque show on Saturday. That was SO FUN. It is 100% the reason that I want to pause and hide and sleep for a couple of days, but also 100% worth it. Our leader, Delilah Manhandler, really outdid herself this time. Check out these sexy Oompa Loompas (who danced to Little Lover, obvs):

Totally amazing.

If you missed it and are sad about that, there will be an encore performance of a couple of Saturday's numbers at Vue Magazine's Blue Revue party on Wednesday at Metro Theatre (formerly the Garneau) along with some CCB classics not to mention all the Blue Revue dirty movies! Yow! Hopefully we will see you seeing us there.

In the mean time, here is Kurt Vile, the fragglehot, ruling and heartbreaking, as per usual:

Sigh.

Also - holy crap, this is going to pop your head right off - (via my lovely friends at Bright Young Twins):

This is so beautiful that it basically hurts me to look at it... every piece in the collection is the best thing I have ever seen...

Here's a photo to entice you to actually go to the link, you lazy bums:

Gaaaah! WANT! IT! ALL!

Anyway, it actually felt like autumn today. Everyone has pink cheeks and layers on. Early autumn is the best time of year, I think. Everyone's scampering around trying to make all the fun they can before winter drops and cripples us all for 6 deep freeze months. Everyone is doing EVERYTHING.

Also things are getting different. I can't decide how yet. It just seems like it.

It seems like we should be storing things away in our little dens for winter. Like vodka pickles. Cooking with liquor is the best for reasons that should be obvious for anyone who is enough of a dirtbag to be my friend (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLYxeJjxc8s) so vodka pickles seem like the perfect fall recipe.

Here you go, lushes!

Vodka Pickles
3 medium cucumbers
2 c water
1/4 c salt
1/4 c vodka
1/2 c white vinegar
6 cloves garlic(sliced or crushed)
3 chili peppers(chopped) (you can sub chili flakes)
6 sprigs dill (chopped)

Cut up cucumbers, pack loosley in 1 quart jar
Bring liquids and salt to a boil
Add spices to jar
Cover and store in refridgerator
Put all remaining vodka in your friend Amelia's mouth, possibly with some frozen berries, cran & soda
Pickles are ready in one week.

I have to confess that I have not tried this yet, so no crapping your pants if the recipe sucks, but maybe that will be my goal for later this week.  When I have unpaused.

xo!

Desperate times, measures.

Friends...

That thing I said about maxing my credit to go on vacation and letting future Amelia suck on that rotten egg?? Well, it's me, future Amelia, and this egg tastes TERRIBLE. Fuck you, past Amelia. It's a good thing you enjoyed that vacation, you ASSHOLE.

So. We do autumn on a budget. This is doable, right? Some thrifted cardigans and a couple of homemade scarves over a summer dresses should hold me over until at least October, right? Right? Yeah right. I am screwed. I am going to be hunkered in my freezing apartment, eating boiled root vegetables and trying to figure out how to knit jeans by candle light.Wah.

This whole blog is devoted to penny pinching. It is not that hard, if you try. I am terrible with money, and even I have had short periods of genius where living on the cheap is concerned, so I figure I might as well blog about it, as IT COSTS NOTHING TO WRITE A BLOG. See? This one is already full of hot tips.

Speaking of hot tips, check out this sex jam:

When I was trying to save up to go to Berlin to see Anna, the best trick ever was to decide that I would never ever spend twoonies. (I hate that word more than anything, btw. I just looked at it typed out for 30 seconds feeling mad and weirdly embarrassed about it and have decided to boycott it. $2 coin from now on. Canada, you are my weird embarrassing dad.) Anyway, I decided to never spend $2 coins. Once you get used to it, it is really easy to just pretend they are not money and to put them all in a jar when you get home, and they accumulate SO FAST. Particularly if you go out for drinks, sometimes you can come home with $18 in unspendable change in your purse, straight into your piggybank.  I think real grown-ups have automatic withdrawals that feed into savings accounts or whatever. I prefer to hoard change. So what?

This is pretty old news I guess, but it costs nothing to laugh at stupid babies getting smashed in the face by hilarious family pets. Babies are expensive, among other gross things. Not having babies is an excellent money saving tip:
http://animalsbeingdicks.com/

I got a job working for the Edmonton Arts Council, and while working for and arts organization is NEVER a good money saving idea, as it almost always involves a massive paycut, the money that I have saved in not having to drink my way through the drudgery of government work is not insignificant. I don't know if that is a tip or not.

I don't know why it took me a long time to give this a try, as it is clearly the best idea ever, but this has been saving my late August and early September life lately:

One time when I was in art school in Calgary, my friend Twyla and I decided that we were going to try to only spend $20 PER MONTH on groceries, as we were both broke ass broke and needed to retain as much money as possible to maintain our gin habits. We got this recipe from the Lady Vance, and while we both lost a few pounds and may have sustained some permanent brain damage, we managed to not die of scurvy for the duration of the experiment. I claim no responsibility whatsoever if you DO die of scurvy or anything else if you take a run at this diet, dummy.
There are no measurements in this salad. It is all to taste.
I guess it is kind of a red cabbage coleslaw, or something.
- Red cabbage, shredded & or sliced VERY THIN (one medium head)
- Grated ginger, LOTS. Seriously. LOTS. Fresh only.
- Grated carrots (three maybe?)
- Beets (raw) peeled and grated (Three or four? Maybe five if they are small?)
- Sesame seeds. Toasted is yummier, but follow your heart.
- Rice wine vinegar (don't be shy)
- Sesame oil (This creates a lot of the flavour and is also the part that will make you feel full, so don't be stingy, it's good).

This salad is ok on the first day, but gets DELICIOUS after sitting in the fridge over night. It keeps for like, a week. I used to make it in huge batches and eat it all week long. It is super nutritious (although not balanced, you gotta listen to your bod, starving will only screw your metabolism and hasn't been cool since highschool).


In honour of 2006 purple-mouthed and drunk Twyla and Amelia, here is a song off our soundtrack of that summer (we were total bangers back then. And still) :

Oh yeah! Speaking of Twyla, look at this AMAZING money saving tip I found on the Juxtapoz website... Tattoos are SO expensive, way out of Future Amelia's budget while she is cleaning up Past Amelia's financial mess. What to do:

Anyway, I am tired of this and am not doing a very good job of being an arts administrator right now. Pinch those pennies! We'll get through it!

With the money you save, please buy this for me:

Bye hot rascals!
xo
Motorjoan

Enough, now.

Since mother nature is being such a bitch about it, I am now going to use the following songs to call back the sun:

(Sorry, last guy is pretty NSFW. I guess I should have said that earlier.) I think we covered a lot of bases there. Is it back yet? I can't tell because I am sitting in a fucking cubicle.

But not for looooonnnnngggggg.....

Here are two things I get to go to while I am away. First, this amazing looking 1940s dress up party in London with Harriett and Aimee: http://www.theblitzparty.com/ (PS, look at how hot that promo is. We need to sex up our events like that!) (Also, AS IF I OWN A DRESS FOR THAT. I am going to have to shop.)

Then, the next weekend in Berlin I get to go see these maniacs with Beau and Wil:

Needless to say I have packed the weirdest range of outfits for this trip.

I think Dorgz is a little unsure about the metal show. I love this band though, and this show will rule to the max. 

Most of us (I am looking at you, grumps and saddies mentioned in last post) probably need this Moleskine (from Etsy user Julien Denoyer):

Why try to keep the list straight in your head? And here I thought Moleskines were only for emoting coffeeshop poets...

For this post's recipe I have chosen....

PAPIER MACHE!

That's right. Enough eating, fatty. Make me a motherfucking Pinata. Dink or dragon shaped, preferably, but I encourage creativity.

To make this paper mache paste, mix together 1 part flour to 2 parts water. You will want it to be the consistency of thick glue, but you also want it to be runny and not thick like paste. Add more water or flour as necessary. Mix well to remove any lumps.

A few helpful tips I have read in regards to using this paste are:

• If you live in an area with high humidity, add a few tablespoons of salt to help prevent mold.
• If you don't like the smell of the glue mixture you can add a few sprinkles of cinnamon to sweeten it up!

You should be able to store this glue in a covered bowl or jar, in the refrigerator, for a few days

That's all!
xo!

Hi everyone.

You are all telling me about how shitty your days and lives are today. I'm sorry you feel your troubles so much today, friends. I also almost had to put my fist through a computer monitor earlier this afternoon, but then decided instead to go impulse shopping for expensive department store cosmetics. It worked. I feel better and my hand and screen remain intact. I am pretty sure it is the crappy weather. It seems like we should be entitled to something nicer. But we are not entitled to anything. Just remember that. We are the ones who decided to live in this place.

Here. This might help. This and some whiskey:

Flying off on my European dream vacation in two sleeps. I don't know how this is going to work, exactly. I am broke as a joke and there will be THREE WEEKS of fun to be had. I guess I'll do what I always do which is max all available credit and let future Amelia deal with it.

Off to London first to hang out with these adorable little dolls: http://brightyoungtwins.blogspot.com/ as well as everyone's favorite Travis Sargeant. It will be like I am their pet troll for a week. Can you believe that humans that cute exist? Mind boggling. I think I am going to try to see some tourist-y things this time. Aside from going on the London Eye with Doug at sunset last year (pretty swoony, I gotta say) I mostly just went to markets and pubs last year. Also, I am DETERMINED to see some hot Euro burlesque this time. DETERMINED.

This is Immodesty Blaize, one of my favorite ever London burlesque dancers, and winner of the Miss Exotic World pageant (that thing that the CCB ladies go to Vegas for every year) in 2007. Stone cold fox:

Then Berlin to see Anna, who I miss so much every day and it seems like things are just shittier when she isn't around. She and her hubby Beau, who is also basically the greatest human ever, are kind enough to let me and Dorg crash for WEEKS. I can't wait to meet Berlin. From all accounts, I should start preparing myself for the possibility that I will never come home.

I would miss my dog and Dorg too much, obviously.

Gahd. Anyway. Sorry to be gross.

What else? Oh yeah. GIVE ME THIS:

I am so bad at blogging. I always run out of feeling like it so fast.

I don't even feel like posting a recipe. Eat fruit. It's summer. Make it into Sangria, why don't you?

Hey, there we go. Here's a sangria recipe for you:

• 2 gallons Zinfandel
• 1 cup brandy
• 1/2 cup Cointreau
• 2 quarts orange juice
• 2 cups lemon juice
• 1 cup superfine sugar
• 12 to 16 ice cubes
• 2 quarts chilled club soda
• 3 oranges, thinly sliced
• 3 lemons, thinly sliced

Thoroughly chill all ingredients. Pour the wine, brandy and Cointreau into a large punch bowl. Stir orange and lemon juice with the sugar until sugar has dissolved. Then add to bowl and stir to blend. Add ice cubes and soda. Pour into a large metal tub and drink it out of your hands.

I love thinking about wine in gallon amounts. That's how classy broads measure it.

Anyway, I hope everyone feels better soon. I get sad for your hearts when you all get like this all at once.

See you in August, if I ever come back at all.

xo

Whist

First of all, listen to this song:

On the I Missed Them At Sled Island, Fuck My Life list.

They have a newer record out (Mazes, out in... April? March? Something like that), but my friend Olga was playing this song on the radio last night and it has been lodged somewhere in the central back region of my brain ever since and is now the soundtrack to my day.

Centred text? We are doing that now? Ok. I fucking hate formatting this thing.

There we go.

Deadlines. Dead meat lines, more like it. How do people get things done? I feel like such a dickhead. I tried to find a good article to insert here about how to not be an asshole about not bailing on articles/rehearsals/birthdays/Sled Islands, but they all seem to be written by this guy:

and I don't think that is the kind of help any of us need. I am going to cling to my current strategy of constant apologizing for as long as possible and hope that I don't lose too many friends. There have been some monster/monstrous/monstrosity projects that have been bumping all the little ones out of the way, weddings and grants and stints as a semi-nude blood guzzling metal band frontwoman. How they eat my time, these things. European vacations and burlesque glittertours. Finding time to beam love at my dog and mister. I have NOT been sitting on my couch watching Netflix and eating Nutella with a spoon. Okay? I have not.

Check out these paintings by Canadian/Berlin based artist Wil Murray. (If you are in Berlin, I hope you are at his opening at Funkhaus Berlin Nalepastrasse which is probably starting right about now. Get there! Buy the man some bourbon! He has earned it!)

 



(The Pain Cafe Sucre, 89 X 109 X 13, Acrylic & Found Images On Board)

And here is a totally dreamy shot of his Berlin studio.

Aside from making the fucking TASTIEST paintings, dripping (sometimes fairly literally) with sexiness, Wil is basically the best guy ever. He has big hair. He HELPS. He is one of those community builders. You know the ones. The people who make those connections between makers/doers that we would never have been able to make ourselves. The connections that lead to those huge awesome projects that change everything you do and like and want to be. You know how there are those people (Trevor Anderson is one. You know what I mean now?) that when you trace the history of an awesome happening it almost always goes back to them one way or another? Like that.

Anyway, Berlin is the shiny thing dangling in front of my magpie eyes right now. It seems like the best place in the world to me and I want us to all live there. I will research this  on my upcoming trip and then we can start working out how we will transport all of us over there, ok? Countdown to Eurotour: 15 days.

Oh! Hey. There are renewed plans to get the Skinny recording up and out since it seems that we are officially, like dinner, fucking DONE. I don't know if anyone even cares anymore, but here's one song, fast and dirty. I don't have a date or any info on the file that I have, so I don't actually know if it is mastered or not. If it sounds weird and quiet to you, it is not mastered and I am sorry and a better version will appear in the future. Erin on vox and guitar, Andrea on bass, Gravy drumming and yours truly on the oh-shit-I-forgot-to-solo-let's-just-leave-it-out.  Hear it! (This song makes me have a huge crush on Erin, I can't hide the truth any longer.)

That's all for now.

Oh, wait. I need to post a recipe. Hang on.

Doug's cute mom gave me this recipe and I made it for my sister's wedding last weekend. It is a DELICIOUS alternative to hummus, except it is a bit punchier. Add extra garlic! It is delicious! (I have included the subs/omissions that I always do with this recipe, but it is pretty forgiving, so just play with it). I like it a little chunky, so I don't food processorize it for as long as the recipe recommends. Serve it in a hollowed out red pepper for extra cuteness.

Muhammara (Syrian red pepper and walnut dip/spread/delight)

• a 7-ounce jar roasted red peppers, drained (if you can find them with garlic, awesome. if not, add your own!)
• 2/3 cup fine fresh bread crumbs (Adding an extra handful of walnuts allows for eliminating the breadcrumbs, if you have any gluten-haters in your life).
• 1/3 cup walnuts, toasted lightly and chopped fine
• 2 to 4 garlic cloves, minced and mashed to a paste with 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice, or to taste
• 2 teaspoons pomegranate molasses (this is REALLY tart, and an extra squirt of lemon juice will do the trick if you don't happen to have it around)
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon dried hot red pepper flakes
• 3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
• toasted pita triangles as an accompaniment

In a food processor blend together the peppers, the bread crumbs (?), the walnuts, the garlic, the lemon juice, the pomegranate molasses (?), the cumin, the red pepper flakes, and salt to taste until the mixture is smooth and with the motor running add the oil gradually. Transfer the muhammara to a bowl and serve it at room temperature with the pita triangles.

Ok. Now goodbye.

<3